枕著云的遠航

无关流水帐：神奇的一天
在和张经纬同学奋战了一个周末以后，一份厚厚的Enzymology期末考卷让我意识到：1. 原来自己的化学是这么的不靠谱；2. 即使是院士，也可以非常不地道……考完试一路骂骂咧咧的吃午饭，为了赶去听David Baker的protein folding prediction，竟然两个人都忘了付款-_-b 激动地走出报告厅，一路唾沫横飞天马行空，回到餐厅把欠款补了，再一路唾沫横飞天马行空地杀回宿舍，海侃到晚上九点。其中我们彼此互喷的一摩尔民科念想就按下不表了，我再一次遇到了这两个古老而有趣的问题是：人为什么有求生欲和人为什么而活着。[我觉得有意思的一个解构是将这两个问题看作毫不相连的问题，而对于前者由于其生物上的普遍性而采取evolutionary approach，对于后者，解读为一个意识特有的问题。]

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刚刚在校内网上又看到了经纬好同志分享的一篇描写Terry Tao lecture的白描文字。我的第一感觉是：太像莫扎特了。结合今天考试被虐，马上又有种莫名的悲凉：这世界天才这么多，我在这里干什么——想起gift这个词，我环顾四周便能随手数出一二三四五个人来——然而这种悲凉马上被五十步笑百步的自嘲情绪代替，因为我想起了《Good Will Hunting》里面Fields奖得主MIT大教授Lambeau对男主角Will说的这么一段话：

You're right, Will. I can't do that proof and you can. And when it comes to this there are only twenty people in the world that can tell the difference between you and me. But I'm one of them.

因为，似乎强如Terry Tao的神童，我很不幸的还没有遇到呢——我估计我也遇不到，毕竟不是一个级别上的生物。

情绪的进一步平复还是依靠《Good Will Hunting》的另一段台词，即Will和他的死党都在建筑工地上赚钱糊口时，他表示不愿意接受Lambeau给他安排的应用他的数学天赋的工作时的对白（可直接看划线部分）：

WILL: What do I want a way outta here for? I want to live here the rest of my life. I want to be your next door neighbor. I want to take out kids to little league together up Foley Field.

CHUCKIE: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way, but in 20 years, if you're livin' next door to me, comin' over watchin' the fuckin' Patriots' games and still workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you. And that's not a threat, that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you.

WILL: Chuckie, what are you talkin'...

CHUCKIE: Listen, you got somethin' that none of us have.

WILL: Why is it always this? I owe it to myself? What if I don't want to?

CHUCKIE: Fuck you. You owe it to me. Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be fifty and I'll still be doin' this. And that's all right 'cause I'm gonna make a run at it. But you, you're sittin' on a winning lottery ticket and you're too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that's bullshit 'cause I'd do anything to have what you got! And so would any of these guys. It'd be a fuckin' insult to us if you're still here in twenty years.

WILL: You don't know that.

CHUCKIE: Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I come by to pick you up, and we go out drinkin' or whatever and we have a few laughs. But you know what the best part of my day is? The ten seconds before I knock on the door 'cause I let myself think I might get there, and you'd be gone. I'd knock on the door and you wouldn't be there. You just left.

CHUCKIE (cont'd): Now, I don't know much. But I know that.

我这才意识到，《Good Will Hunting》是多么好的一部励志电影。我要做的事情，也不过仅仅是去cash in my winning lottery ticket。区别仅仅在于，我没中头奖而已。

对于我这样的人来说，如此解读自己活着和努力是为了什么——‘cause I owe it to others——反而比告诉我，我应该为自己的目的活着，让我更轻松。